1. |
Letter of Apology
04:34
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i’m sorry i was late to your party where everyone was so effortless
I was starting at a wall for no discernible reason counting all the thumbtack holes
staring at a nightmare bug who saw the light and froze
i’m sorry that i told your sister’s boyfriend he was history’s greatest monster
and got up on a chair and announced to the party that we were all living in a fiction
up to the thighs in blood and grinning, fighting for the wheel in a car rushing to the rim
i’m sorry that i drank all your expensive gin
and bummed too many cigarettes
see us standing on the lip of that sinking ship
party playlist playing on forever perfect songs
if we could turn it all around we could turn it all around i don’t know how
i’m sorry I threw up on your bath mat
and demanded another glass of wine and your sister’s number
it’s just that i never felt so
small in the face of disaster
like a mouse broken in a trap
so sick and so complicit
like a spring in a rifle lifted
see us standing on the lip of that sinking ship
party playlist playing on forever perfect songs
see us standing on the lip of that sinking ship
party playlist playing on forever perfect songs
if we could turn it all around we could turn it all around
if we could turn it all around we could turn it all around
i don’t know how
and when the sun crashes in on my eyelids I have a suffering I know will end
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2. |
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Text after text I wait for a hit
sunlight, pop music, unshackled like a tourist
dreamed some apocalypse spared me
forget it all a puff of smoke the minute that I feel that jolt
of someone who remembered i was waiting here
when you’re not around I don’t know
typing until the sun goes
just to sweep the hours along
like a pro professional
if you shuffled my days on earth
nothing would change at all I’m sure
all the ordinary secrets
like a pro professional
rock and roll betrayed us
i carry a cold glass and a warm hand outside
but everyone’s at work in their hearts
frowning over secret grudges and unmet desires
invisible lines snaking everywhere like tripwires
when you’re not around I don’t know
typing until the sun goes
just to sweep the hours along
like a pro professional
if you shuffled my days on earth
nothing would change at all I’m sure
the soft arms of time hold me down
like a pro professional
it’s an awful crush in my mind
but none of it shows up in the lines
of the photo of me raising the glass
like a pro professional
when you’re not around I don’t know
typing until the sun goes
just to sweep the hours along
like a pro professional
if you shuffled my days on earth
nothing would change at all I’m sure
I need you here so I have somewhere
to look that looks back at me
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3. |
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some sick moon hidden through concrete
woke me up singing wagon wheel
pounded on the wall with my empty fist
singing no light sir not here
I hear the devil pouring someone’s one last drink after the bars let out a thousand deli sandwiches in their greasy paper floating home
carried in plastic bags jammed with paper eaten alone at the kitchen table
thrown in the trash they cut down the tree out back now the dirt can see the way we really live
Jen crying by the wall
one high heel on its side
when you die you never come back
so I dream a life of dancing never letting no one down
in a taxi through the town
no more strangers in my living room
the last days of waste and worry
onto new anxieties I know
the answer I don’t want to know
when you die you never come back
so I dream a life of dancing never letting no one down
in a taxi through the town
no more strangers in my living room
the last days of waste and worry
onto new anxieties I know
the answer but I let it go
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4. |
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it’s too damn hot for the wounded looks
the fighting over the bill
i lay down my credit card a solid deep blue like the ocean
i say we’re all gonna sit here, drink beer til the sun goes down
we’re gonna shake off the echo of all that we coulda done
flushed by the jukebox he catches me he wants to split the bill
look in his eyes good and long and then I go to take a piss
feel a fight, feel a fight, feel a fight coming on
feel a fight, feel a fight, feel a fight
feel a fight, feel a fight, feel a fight coming on
with myself or anyone
with nothing all day long
static never dies unless you set it off
Kit wants to go so we go, I sign the bill with one wavy line
could be my name or anyone’s nobody ever minds
the cut school thrill of day drinking fades into headache now
heat so hot it got personal, hate mail from god above
pigeons oily dark picking at the sidewalk cracks below
the whole world looks like a finger slammed inside a car door
feel a fight, feel a fight, feel a fight coming on
feel a fight, feel a fight, feel a fight
feel a fight, feel a fight, feel a fight coming on
with myself of anyone else
with my life or how it once felt
when I see them loose in the light i want a face bruised like a sunset
a face like a sunset
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5. |
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surfers trace the long line of a triangle in loose threads
like pencil marks, a seagull’s eye
black catching light
the boardwalk neon
I had a vision and it died no need to tell a soul
photos in magazines where the ocean was brighter than
in reality, four small crabs on a bench
tonight will they break the tiny legs
and feast will the boy recall forever the warm light and the table full
men silent as birds at the urinals unreadable faces death in traces endless meals
of bright colors, yellow plantain, red cabbage, green avocado
limes bursting on your fingers
the mirror’s not my friend, never has been
the sand stays in my toes, I hate this body but I love you so
I have to change my life or be forever washed away
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6. |
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they met at a party between the rustling of coats in a subterranean bar in the east village ghost
where everyone had a novel and the bathroom had two people and the sound of the keys echoing off the tile
she drank red wine but she never once paid
a master of economies beyond what men made
she saw layers and behaviors had a nose for the eternal put herself in the void let the map form around her
he drank vodka in a loose aspiration towards purity running lonely miles round the park
and then smoking spirits to ashes on the walk up flatbush sweat freezing on his lashes in the too early darkness
what men fear the most is the end of rules and anyone who knows can rule em
all power must remain hidden or it can be undone like a single knot holding up a black dress
nothing was said but everything changed on armchairs at the editor’s place his library towering above them
she smoked out the window her legs over the arm the air blurred like a love song on an old 45
when Cal stood to go she said she was going too
a bead flew from the rosary and everyone knew
the men made a bunch of noise before they did what she said
they couldn’t stand to see the death threat spelled out in sex they had to shake hands
and she watched them
what men fear the most is the end of rules and anyone who knows can rule em
all power must remain hidden or it can be undone like a single knot holding up a black dress
the editor finishes his 12 year scotch slowly under the wall of books
he is untouched by jealousy
the coke builds houses around him
the coke builds houses around him
he is smiling in the barricaded fortress of his life
he is smiling in the barricaded fortress of his life
and the dullest way to die, yeah the dullest way to die
the dullest way to die is money
what men fear the most is the end of rules and anyone who knows can rule em
all power must remain hidden or it can be undone like a single knot holding up a black dress
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7. |
Scam Likely
02:08
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ecstatic visions by starlight
a day shift stuck at the bar
cutting limes to a playlist sadists made to keep down any talk
it’s a privilege to be dying
at the center of the culture
i’m just glad to be invited
to the end of the line
no really i’m fine
i don’t need any money
i don’t need any respect
wake up at two o clock
is somebody getting murdered
should i be calling the cops
what if the cops come and murder whoever i was trying to keep alive
you can’t help me til i want it
i just want another glass
an effective coping strategy is getting trashed
undisturbed by ego murder
hear the monks outside the discount liquor burst in ragged laughter
in the yellow signs light
in the cold Zion night
i don’t need any money
i don’t need any respect
wake up a two o clock to a cell phone scam
your loan’s been flagged for forgiveness
counselors wait for your call
maybe I could be new again
thinking on my back in bed in the black
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8. |
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another year of economy cars
corpse crumpled on the side of the iron divide
there’s not enough coffee in the county to keep me safe from my own mind
ooh let me touch that speed
push me down into the seats
while the whole world waits on me
in that silver car, in that silver car
see the light cut the dark
two arcs then the blue pours in
no one needs forgiveness for what they want
there was nothing we could do so we just rolled on, we just rolled on
drive me all night long
ooh let me touch that speed
push me down into the seats
while the whole world waits on me
in that silver car, in that silver car
music too loud to talk, decline the call
take the curve hard, something’s living inside the wall
paint the trees with light
never back down from a fight you can never win
ooh let me touch that speed
push me down into the seats
while the whole world waits on me
in that silver car, in that silver car
thrown back into the seat I can almost break through
suburban street the clock reads 2:03
half drunk at the wheel lips split in a wolf’s grin
i can see your teeth shine i know you’ll always win, you’ll always win
so take me with you then
ooh let me touch that speed
push me down into the seats
while the whole world waits on me
in that silver car, in that silver car
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9. |
5 Train
04:11
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I drink my coffee black
with the roaches in the traps for company then catch the 5 to work
i see you on the sign
one wild curving line takes me from nothingness to life
your beach blown hair your golden thighs they have escaped me all my life
I’m in love with you, i’m in love with you
I know you’d feel it too
your name sits on the side
in seconds i can find hundreds of angles see your boyfriend and your hotel breakfast tray
and i can write
declare my undying love from the subway car
anxiously refresh beg and plead rage and flash I could
live and die in the windows of text all alone in the windows of my eyes
i’m in love with you, I’m in love with you
i know you’d feel it too
step off of the train
a briefcase full of flame
the yellow platform edge is scarred with black dirt
will it ever feel like it did before
i’m in love with you, i’m in love with you
I know you’d feel it too
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10. |
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there’s no room in the room for the view
there’s room in the song for the truth
there’s no room in my life for somebody like you
but there you are anyway
and I’m dealt into a game I said I never wanted to play
now every word out of my mouth becomes a bluff
and you smile, in my chair drinking my wine
now winning consumes me I jump through hoops easy
just like they taught me when i was a kid
i thought if i could be perfect nobody could hurt me
nobody could touch me well you know how that goes
you think of Jordan soaring through the flashbulbs but really I only know half love
surrounded by people who’ll never know my heart
they couldn’t touch me if they tried to
how does the old curse go? may you get what you wish for
silent smiling round that table I can feel the hatred coming for me shoulda known
you were born to play the victim
silent smiling round that table i can feel the punishment coming for me I drink it up
it beats being like you
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11. |
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game clock running
a city’s breath is held
photographers twisting to get the shot
the fans are murmuring their drunken prayers
the players minds are clear as glass magnifying
who you are when the stakes are high
is who you are in every eye
no one knows your mind
but everyone knows you
and everyone sees you
the numbers tell the story and they never lie
as the shot goes up
no one knows
the answer that’s already written in the arc
before it crystallizes in the minds
of daytime callers filled with biblical rage
who you are when the stakes are high
is who you are in every eye
no one knows your mind
but everyone knows you
and everyone sees you
the numbers tell the story and they never lie
who you are when the stakes are high
is who you are in every eye
no one knows your mind
but everyone knows you
and everyone sees you
the numbers tell the story and they never lie
so shut your mouth
no excuses
the story that survives will tell you who you are
the winner’s swarmed by his team
his face repeats on every screen where
it means something else
to everybody
the dream of our lives
is unbroken
the paper cups crushed
the seats refolded
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12. |
Jason
02:40
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Jason waits in a pool of streetlight slouching
hands deep in his pockets
i paste a wry look on my face and slip into the other side of the light he floats in
brothers more than friends
i say thanks for coming up here, just with the new job and the move things have been kinda crazy
he tells me about his new dream i say damn what happened to the last one
look i just mean we worry i start to say but i catch his eyes see all the anger there
he smiles but there’s no smile there
he says you change but everybody keeps on seeing what they know
you work so hard to change but everybody keeps on seeing what they think they know
so you do it all alone
before i can speak he’s out the door
so i raise my hand for the check and I sign
right on the dotted line
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Wilder Maker New York
photo by Ebru Yildiz
contact: wildermaker at gmail
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